Rising Up From My Brokenness

I was broken.

For about three whole years.

I was deeply disappointed with life.

"The future" turned out to be much different than I expected it would be.

I am one who sincerely believed my life would come together like a puzzle perfectly put together once I reached adulthood. I believed it would be straightforward to meet someone I liked, fall in love and start a family. I believed once all my formal schooling was done (up to College degree level), life would finally begin and it would take no time at all to settle down. It would all just make sense; the same way I progressed from Primary School, then on to Secondary School and then on to College. Why would I not believe settling into life; getting married and getting a job, would be just as straightforward?

Well, I was in for the surprise of my life.

Here I am nine years after graduation and I'm still not doing the kind of work I believe I'm worth and I most certainly have not yet settled down. I've found that the world does not work as straightforwardly as I thought it did, and I'm not effortlessly climbing from one step to the next. Even if I do what I believe I'm "supposed to do" in a given situation I don't always get the results I hoped for.

I'm happy to finally be in this place where I can reflect and draw clear lessons from the hard life I have lived so far.

For the longest time I have been frustrated with life. There's been times I've had a hard time understanding God. I've cried in pain praying all my disappointments and confusion away, literally just wanting to SHAKE THEM OFF, only to wake up the next day still in the valley.

In retrospect I see that I put a lot of pressure on myself to not be too bothered, to move on and just be Ok- because I pride myself in being strong. But for the first time in my life I let myself feel the pain, acknowledge my disappointment at life and really look deep into the issues that were bothering me.

I've made it through...through disappointments, hurt, manipulation, hypocrisy, bitterness, and FEAR. And through it all I have come to understand how life works in general.

I think it's Ok to be naïve. Sometimes that's how you learn some of life's deep lessons.

And I've concluded that these verses are a well of Life in a dying world:

Proverbs 3:5&6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths".  

As "easy said than done" as scripture may seem, it actually does work even in our darkest times.

I'm not yet where I want to be but I'm in a much more sober place and I am at peace. Peace was all I ever longed for, and I finally have it.